Twilight (aka Emo Vampires Wallow In Their Infinite Hotness): *1/2

It's officially been two weeks since I girded up my loins, sucked in my breath and headed into the multiplex (with requisite giggling 15-year-old in tow) to see the celluloid vision of the phenomenon that is Twilight. I feel like I've had enough time to recover from the excursion to disseminate the gory details.

For the most part, if you're over 25 years old, you're gonna think this movie bites the big one (no pun intended. OK ... maybe I meant it a little.) There is so much brooding angst dripping off of the actors that you practically need hip waders to get through it all. The acting is totally melodramatic, but at least all of the characters have great hair. So, they've got that going for them, which is nice.

Poor Bella Swan, uber-klutz and social misfit (despite being drop-dead gorgeous), moves to super-saturated Forks, WA, which is apparently the rainiest, most depressing spot on the face of the Earth. She is immediately embraced and fawned over by the cool clique (as all mid-semester transfer students are) and then has not one, but two smoldering, supernatural Adonises vying for her affections. Blah, blah, blah. It's the usual story: girl meets vampire, girl falls in love with vampire, girl wants to live life as an immortal in order to be with Him.

It's kind of awful. But it does have its brilliance.

The real enjoyment of this movie will come if you have the opportunity to see it in a theater full of girls (there will be NO dudes there) between the ages of 12 and 18. The collective sighing and shrieking at the appearance of each and every vamp (including EVERY screen shot of Undead Poster Boy: Robert "I Used To Be Cedric Diggory" Pattinson) was enough to turn this emo angstfest into a rollicking comedy adventure. Seriously ... this thing will stand up against the Beatles 1st American Performance at Shea Stadium, so overwhelmed with sweat were the young ladies at my screening.

If you feel you must join in the fray, comb your bangs over one eye, start listening to a lot of Panic At The Disco, and put on your most brooding expression. Then grab a gaggle of gigglers and go.

Otherwise, just stay home, geek out and watch the Harry Potter quintology. You'll be glad you did.

I Am A Harry Potter Geek, Which Is Fun ... Possibly Sexy

Like Julie, I wear my "I HEART Harry Potter" button with pride. TODAY is the day that Harry Potter & The Half-Blood Prince was to be released in all of its British awesomeness. But that isn't happening because some addle-brained marketing genius decided it would be prudent to wait until Summer. I'm only just slightly bitter about it.

What do I get to do instead?

I get to see Twilight! And I even get to see the midnight showing! With fifteen year olds! Who's jealous?

Tonight, while you all are blissfully drifting off to sleep or enjoying the witty repartee between Jon Stewart and his guest du jour, I will be awash in the desperate lust of clammy vampires, and its even clammier, not-to-mention comically clumsy Seattle-adjacent-dwelling heroine.

Visually, this movie had potential to be ... pleasing, at least, as the aforementioned vamps are purported to be scorchingly, nay freakishly, hot. The most awe-inspiring, beautiful creatures ever to roam the earth. Or Purgatory. Seattle. Whatever. The point is that the casting directors seemed to miss that part of the story, even though The Hotness was mentioned every other sentence for approximately 1800 pages.

*Sigh.*

On the bright side, I'm one day closer to satisfying my Harry Potter-philia.

Twilight: Neither Fun Nor Sexy

A note to all the rabid Twilight fans reading this blog (and I'm sure there are MANY of you): I don't want to hear it.

First, a revelation: I love Harry Potter.

That's why, in part, I decided to read Twilight a few months ago. Entertainment Weekly had been calling this book series the "new Harry Potter," and I love Harry Potter so I'd probably love Twilight. And I figured if this Twilight business was going to invade my EW every week, I might as well know what it's about (kind of why I watched The Hills that one regrettable time). Plus, I am a huuuuge sucker for teen romance and angst. I guess I'm still dealing with high school some ten odd years later.

Ergo I bought the tome and I took it with me on vacation. I must say, I really got into the first third or so of the book. Stephanie Meyer is by no means even a decent writer, but the story and the setting captivated me somewhat. That is until clumsy girl and the vampire start to acknowledge that they like each other. Then Twilight devolves into the most banal story line with the most inane dialogue. (But I am going to see the movie, of course)

SPOILER ALERT: Here is a re-imagined sample scene from "Twilight" or "Quick and Moody Vampires in the Rain" to help get you through the day before Twilight: The Movie bows at midnight:

INT: BELLA'S HOUSE - DAY

Bella: What's the matter, Edward?

Edward: I'm tortured, Bella, by your scent and your...BEING.

Bella: Likewise.

Edward: But, OH! You should be ever so afraid of me. After all, I kinda sorta wanna eat you.

Bella: That's cool. I'm pretty sure you won't eat me.

Edward: But I WANT to suck your blood. You smell like a meal of the finest prime rib and lobster followed up with my favorite German chocolate cake.

Bella: Right. You've mentioned that. But I'm not scared. You're not going to eat me.

Edward: Well, now you're just being difficult. Why, pray tell, won't I eat you.

Bella: It's a secret.

Edward: Not another secret. Tell me. You owe me one secret.

Bella: I most certainly do not. Remember last chapter when I told you that thing about my mom?

Edward: Yeah...?

Bella: OK, well, that was my secret. So it's your turn. You tell me a secret, and I'll tell you yet another secret.

Edward: Can we walk into a dark thicket first?

Bella: Of course.

EXT: DARK THICKET - MOMENTS LATER

Edward carries Bella into a dark thicket because she's very clumsy and will trip over everything (because she's REAL).

Bella: Well, buddy, we're in a thicket. Secret up.

Edward: Um...Did you know that I glow in the dark?

Bella: No. That is brand new information.

Edward: So, tell me your secret.

Bella: What is it you wanted to know again?

Edward: I'm...not...sure...

Edward spends the next ten minutes nuzzling his face up to Bella's neck while Bella swoons.

Edward: Oh, yeah. That's right. Why is it that you are currently not afraid of me and believe that I will not eat you.

Bella: Duh, jackass. This is only book one.

Repeat scene as needed.