A note to all the rabid
Twilight fans reading this blog (and I'm sure there are MANY of you): I don't want to hear it.
First, a revelation: I love
Harry Potter.
That's why, in part, I decided to read
Twilight a few months ago.
Entertainment Weekly had been calling this book series the "new Harry Potter," and I love
Harry Potter so I'd probably love
Twilight. And I figured if this
Twilight business was going to invade my EW every week, I might as well know what it's about (kind of why I watched
The Hills that one regrettable time). Plus, I am a huuuuge sucker for teen romance and angst. I guess I'm still dealing with high school some ten odd years later.
Ergo I bought the tome and I took it with me on vacation. I must say, I really got into the first third or so of the book. Stephanie Meyer is by no means even a decent writer, but the story and the setting captivated me somewhat. That is until clumsy girl and the vampire start to acknowledge that they like each other. Then
Twilight devolves into the most banal story line with the most inane dialogue. (But I am going to see the movie, of course)
SPOILER ALERT: Here is a re-imagined sample scene from "Twilight" or "Quick and Moody Vampires in the Rain" to help get you through the day before
Twilight: The Movie bows at midnight:
INT: BELLA'S HOUSE - DAY
Bella: What's the matter, Edward?
Edward: I'm tortured, Bella, by your scent and your...BEING.
Bella: Likewise.
Edward: But, OH! You should be ever so afraid of me. After all, I kinda sorta wanna eat you.
Bella: That's cool. I'm pretty sure you won't eat me.
Edward: But I WANT to suck your blood. You smell like a meal of the finest prime rib and lobster followed up with my favorite German chocolate cake.
Bella: Right. You've mentioned that. But I'm not scared. You're not going to eat me.
Edward: Well, now you're just being difficult. Why, pray tell, won't I eat you.
Bella: It's a secret.
Edward: Not another secret. Tell me. You owe me one secret.
Bella: I most certainly do not. Remember last chapter when I told you that thing about my mom?
Edward: Yeah...?
Bella: OK, well, that was my secret. So it's your turn. You tell me a secret, and I'll tell you yet another secret.
Edward: Can we walk into a dark thicket first?
Bella: Of course.
EXT: DARK THICKET - MOMENTS LATER
Edward carries Bella into a dark thicket because she's very clumsy and will trip over everything (because she's REAL).Bella: Well, buddy, we're in a thicket. Secret up.
Edward: Um...Did you know that I glow in the dark?
Bella: No. That is brand new information.
Edward: So, tell me your secret.
Bella: What is it you wanted to know again?
Edward: I'm...not...sure...
Edward spends the next ten minutes nuzzling his face up to Bella's neck while Bella swoons.Edward: Oh, yeah. That's right. Why is it that you are currently not afraid of me and believe that I will not eat you.
Bella: Duh, jackass. This is only book one.
Repeat scene as needed.
Like Julie, I wear my "I HEART Harry Potter" button with pride. TODAY is the day that Harry Potter & The Half-Blood Prince was to be released in all of its British awesomeness. But that isn't happening because some addle-brained marketing genius decided it would be prudent to wait until Summer. I'm only just slightly bitter about it.
