There Are Many Things I Am Thankful For

Melissa is thankful. Thankful, first of all, that I live in a country in which I can not only refer to myself in the third person, but also one in which we have a holiday whose sole purpose is to celebrate food. Yeah, there's that whole family and giving thanks for the people we love thing, but mostly, it's about the chow.

Aside from turkey, stuffing, cranberries and, of course, pie, there are a few other things for which I am truly, truly thankful this year, not the least of which are blue poinsettias. I love that the marketeers are bringing that natural feel back to ye olde holiday season.


Mostly, though, I am thankful for this:

The Treadmobile. This thing is a testament to the sheer power of capitalism. Where else but the good ol' US of A could you find a machine that combines the magic of running with the great outdoors? That's right! Now, you too can run OUTSIDE! Who would have thought such a thing was possible? Simply take your treadmobile out of the garage, hop aboard and start yourself a'runnin. I mean, you can't turn or anything, so this is really only a viable option for those of us who live on straightaways. If you live on a cul de sac, I guess it really sucks to be you. And here I've been stationary for all these years. My life is forever changed.)


Here's to the hope that your Thanksgiving is not just fun and sexy, but also filled with, you know ... love ... and joy and family and stuff.

What a Fun, Sexy Thanksgiving for You

Via her Goop newsletter, Gwyneth Paltrow orders, nay COMMANDS, you do this for Thanksgiving:

Mostly, make sure that no matter what type of meal you are having, you take a moment to think about how much you do have (health, love, friendship, passion, perspective, appreciation, intellect, reason, kindness) and reflect on how you can share more of it with others.

I'm a little less holier-than-thou. Here are 5 shallow things to be thankful for this holiday weekend.

1. TV Comedies. I have trouble getting it up for any of the hour long dramas this year. Maybe it's because of the dire straits of the actual world we live in, or because IZZY is freaking having SEX with GHOSTS, I'm not sure. However, many of the half-hour sitcoms are entertaining me to the hilt. These shows include the underrated Big Bang Theory and New Adventures of Old Christine, the underwatched How I Met Your Mother and 30 Rock, and the beloved The Office. I would go so far as to say that the Monday night tandem of BBT and HIMYM is starting to rival the Thursday night line-up in terms of what TV I look forward to each week.

2. Jesse White, Illinois Secretary of State. I know this won't apply to most of you reading this blog, but I am very thankful for this man and all he has done to make going to the DMV an exceedingly pleasant experience. After renewing my driver's license in under fifteen minutes yesterday, I have come to realize that this man is a miracle worker. I might just go hang out at the Elston Avenue location for shits and giggles sometime.

3. Red Wine. Oprah and Dr. Oz have decided to prescribe alcohol, any alcohol, as the greatest assistant to longevity. Red wine gets a bigger nod because of its antioxidants. Drink and be merry!

4. My car. No, it's not an environmentally responsible hybrid or electric car (though it does not get BAD gas milage, and I no longer have a commute), but it is American, so I've go that going for me. It's also so tricked out, I won't mind living in it when we get evicted from our house someday.

5. The entertainment value of The View. Even though the election is over, Elisabeth can still apply her Hannity-approved logic to such topics as gay marriage (What the devil will this teach our children about what marriage is supposed to be?) and pre-marital sex. And Sherri just sits there, not quite grasping it all, waiting for Whoopi to let her talk about Dancing With the Stars.

Oh, and I'm also thankful for my family and friends and blah blah blah, you know the deal.

Pre-Thanksgiving Holiday Music: A Real Turkey

I love Christmas as much as the next guy. Probably more. I would prefer, however, to abstain from merry making until 12:01 the day AFTER Thanksgiving, thank you very much.

It is for this reason that I am feeling neither fun NOR sexy today, as this is the day my local radio stations have chosen to begin their annual all-Christmas, all-the-time, shove-the-holidays-down-my-throat music campaign. The real problem with this experiment in pre-Noel super saturation is that there isn't enough GOOD Christmas music to sustain it. I'm fine with some Bing, a splash of Nat King Cole and, of course, everyone's guilty pleasure, The Carpenters. Even The Waitresses and their Christmas Wrapping (both fun AND sexy) are OK by me.

It's when stuff like THIS happens, that I start to come unraveled:

Honestly. Why is this necessary? LOVED Kristin Chenoweth on The West Wing. Think she's great on Pushing Daisies. But a Christmas album?? In her defense, I haven't listened to it, but my instincts are telling me to run away, and run quickly.

And it isn't just actors who've amped up the hurl factor. Even people like the uber-cool Dean Martin (et tu, Deano?) who, on this very morning, sang to me, not about Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer, but of Rudy, the red-beaked reindeer, whom Santa apparently asked, "mit your nose so bright, won't you guide mein sleigh tonight?" have sadly let me down. I don't need my Christmas songs translated by Sergeant Schultz.

PEOPLE. A Christmas album does not a career make!

The worst offenders are (and I'm sure there are those who actually like these) things like Christmas Eve in Washington (didn't you know our Nation's Capitol was *the* place to spend the Holidays?) or the granddaddy of them all, the song that makes me throw up in my mouth just a little bit every time I hear it: The Christmas Shoes. This is a song whose mere existence, I'm pretty sure, is one of the signs of the Apocalypse.

Thanksgiving is still over a week away. I want to think about turkey. About cranberries, stuffing and football (not necessarily in that order). I don't need to be thrown off kilter by the likes of New Kids On The Block singing of their Funky, Funky Christmas. Which is, doubtless, funky. Just not in the way they want it to be.