A note to all the rabid Twilight fans reading this blog (and I'm sure there are MANY of you): I don't want to hear it.
First, a revelation: I love Harry Potter.
That's why, in part, I decided to read Twilight a few months ago. Entertainment Weekly had been calling this book series the "new Harry Potter," and I love Harry Potter so I'd probably love Twilight. And I figured if this Twilight business was going to invade my EW every week, I might as well know what it's about (kind of why I watched The Hills that one regrettable time). Plus, I am a huuuuge sucker for teen romance and angst. I guess I'm still dealing with high school some ten odd years later.
Ergo I bought the tome and I took it with me on vacation. I must say, I really got into the first third or so of the book. Stephanie Meyer is by no means even a decent writer, but the story and the setting captivated me somewhat. That is until clumsy girl and the vampire start to acknowledge that they like each other. Then Twilight devolves into the most banal story line with the most inane dialogue. (But I am going to see the movie, of course)
SPOILER ALERT: Here is a re-imagined sample scene from "Twilight" or "Quick and Moody Vampires in the Rain" to help get you through the day before Twilight: The Movie bows at midnight:
INT: BELLA'S HOUSE - DAY
Bella: What's the matter, Edward?
Edward: I'm tortured, Bella, by your scent and your...BEING.
Bella: Likewise.
Edward: But, OH! You should be ever so afraid of me. After all, I kinda sorta wanna eat you.
Bella: That's cool. I'm pretty sure you won't eat me.
Edward: But I WANT to suck your blood. You smell like a meal of the finest prime rib and lobster followed up with my favorite German chocolate cake.
Bella: Right. You've mentioned that. But I'm not scared. You're not going to eat me.
Edward: Well, now you're just being difficult. Why, pray tell, won't I eat you.
Bella: It's a secret.
Edward: Not another secret. Tell me. You owe me one secret.
Bella: I most certainly do not. Remember last chapter when I told you that thing about my mom?
Edward: Yeah...?
Bella: OK, well, that was my secret. So it's your turn. You tell me a secret, and I'll tell you yet another secret.
Edward: Can we walk into a dark thicket first?
Bella: Of course.
EXT: DARK THICKET - MOMENTS LATER
Edward carries Bella into a dark thicket because she's very clumsy and will trip over everything (because she's REAL).
Bella: Well, buddy, we're in a thicket. Secret up.
Edward: Um...Did you know that I glow in the dark?
Bella: No. That is brand new information.
Edward: So, tell me your secret.
Bella: What is it you wanted to know again?
Edward: I'm...not...sure...
Edward spends the next ten minutes nuzzling his face up to Bella's neck while Bella swoons.
Edward: Oh, yeah. That's right. Why is it that you are currently not afraid of me and believe that I will not eat you.
Bella: Duh, jackass. This is only book one.
Repeat scene as needed.
5 comments:
lol! the only books i get to read these days are Parents Mags and High Five for toddlers...but the movie does look good! I love me some vampire drama.
If the writing is poor, I'd never make it through.[Never mind that I just read about 10 Mary Higgins Clark books. In a row.] That is one of the reasons the Potters were so wonderful. They were actually, dare I say, *well-written*. Bah!
Hahahaha. I actually like these books for some reason (but for the bad writing and cheese ball lines). This mock scene had me cracking up. These books are sort of like a train wreck -- you feel a little sick and guilty about it, but you just can't look away.
I shouldn't dismiss these books for their low rank on the literary totem pole. I was completely into Mystic River and Da Vinci Code. And neither Dennis Lehane nor Dan Brown has mad writing skills.
I agree, I like the beginning of the book. But the rest is exactly like your storyline. Even so, i got my midnight ticket for tonight and proud of it.
Post a Comment