What a Fun, Sexy Time for You

And Now, A Word From Our Fun, Sexy Sponsors

2009-02-19T07:41:00.001-06:00

We here at What A Fun, Sexy Time For You would like to take a moment to thank the sponsors of Tuesday night's Idol Offering: "The First Group of Twelve Butchers Songs That Were Recorded ... Sometime".

The scintillating cavalcade of stank was made possible by grants from the following:

Hoover
Eureka
Oreck
Jenna Jameson
Sinusitis
Mosquitoes
Bill O'Reilly
Monica Lewinsky
Stale Coffee
Black Holes
ATM fees
Rush Limbaugh
Bullies
PMS
Ringworm (Psoriasis! Tetter!)
SPAM
Migraine Headaches

That show could only have been brought to us by a group of sponsors whose collective SUCK runs a distant second to the great and powerful SUCK brought to us by this group of ne'er-sing-wells and their oh-so-creative interpretations of Songs That Have Ever Been On The Billboard Charts (way to narrow it down, there, Idol producers).

With only a couple of exceptions -- and, yes, I mean you, Danny Gokey and your didn't-blow-me-away-but-it-was-still-OK-for-me-for-you rendition of Hero, and you, Alexis Grace, even though your voice is thin and your hair and alabaster skin and overall perk will likely be working my last nerve within two weeks -- every single performance was just oozing, nay DRIPPING, with mediocrity.

So, I ask you. No, I implore you, Idol Contestants. For the love of all that is right and holy: GET. IT. TOGETHER.

The View: Sigourney's Weaver

2009-01-21T14:25:00.002-06:00

I am SO ANGRY I deleted The View from the DVR today (and not even on TiVo, so I can never get it back). Sigourney Weaver pulled a Basic Instinct during her segment today, and the ViewTube is not up yet.

Developing...

Celebrity Protuberance Watch - Elisabeth Hasselbeck

2009-01-16T14:20:00.003-06:00

Just calling it right now. I think Elisabeth Hasselbeck is with child. She's looking a little fuller these days. Maybe it's an Election Night Baby!

Missouri Loves Fun, Sexy Company

2009-01-15T00:15:00.004-06:00

So, yo.

After last night's death march through the scorching streets of Phoenix, I had dug deep, preparing myself for the horrors that awaited me in the second offering of auditions for this, the 8th season of the joy that is American Idol. I had embraced all of the breeding that my Southern-fried mama has instilled in me by setting my expectations VERY low (it almost always assures you of being pleasantly surprised).

You know what? I was.

Kansas City, while certainly serving up its share of hot messes, had quite a number of folks who can say, with confidence, that "it" was brough'en!

I need to get something off my chest, however, before I delve any deeper into tonight's standouts:

If I NEVER hear Somewhere Over The Rainbow again, it will be too soon. There. I've said it. YES. I'll grant you that it's a great song. But it's been far-too-often butchered and used as a weapon against the eardrums of innocent souls like myself. Seriously ... what did I ever do to that song that would make it hate me so very, very much? It should be banned from AI, along with Something to Talk About and Black Velvet, as well as the collective songbooks of Mari-ugh Carey, Whitney 'Crack Is Whack' Houston, and Stevie Wonder (not that I disparage Mr. Wonder in the least).

*steps down off of soapbox*

Where was I? Oh, right. Kansas City.

Ashley Anderson. While she might not be the BEST singer ever to appear on this show, she's surely one of the craftiest. She opted to sing a Leona Lewis song, which, coincidentally, was penned by one Simon Cowell. Even though she muffed the words a little, she was in like Flynn. A note, however: I don't care if you ARE 6'4", it's not necessary to wear earrings so large that a Shih Tzu could jump through them.
Casey Carlson. She is the poster child for all-American cuteness. She went to the Carrie Underwood School for Middle-American Wholesomeness (and doubtless graduated summa cum laude). She has a decent voice, though she could give John Moschitta a run for his fast-talking money.

As a side note, I need to mention that this show may have the greatest editors ever to walk the planet. Tonight's Montage of Tears was one of the funniest things I've seen in a while.

Von Smith. I'm going to overlook the fact that he hurt my feelings by singing The Song That Shall Not Be Named (see above) because he's got real potential. He's either going to go VERY far, or he'll crash and burn right away. Hard to tell. But he's got something.
Michael Castro. Ahhh ... nepotism. Gotta love it. The 20-year-old brother of last year's 4th runner up, Jason "I Wish I Was Jack Johnson" Castro, just started singing about 3 weeks prior to the audition. And you know what? He wasn't bad. He sang a Gavin DeGraw song, which probably wasn't such a good idea, but at least he didn't sing I Don't Want To Be, which should be retired, along with the rest of the of songs listed above.
Matt Breitzke. He's sort of a loveable teddy bear type. He's a welder; another real man's man (like last night's oil derrick guy). For me, he was kind of ahead of the game, because he chose to sing Ain't No Sunshine, which is one of my mostest favoritest songs of all-time. He was NOT BAD. Not GREAT, but not bad.
Jessica Furney. She's another one of those sweet n' wholesome farm-raised, milk-fed types. Cute. As. A. Button. And she sang the tar out of some Janis Joplin, so she scored major points right there.
Danny Gokey. Oh, Danny, Danny, Danny. Even if you didn't look like the second coming of Robert Downey, Jr., you'd have me completely sold. THIS guy is the real deal. He's got everything. If there's one place THIS Danny is NOT going, it's to the lumberyard. He's got Top 10 written all over him, easy. LOVE. HIM.
Anoop Desai. He's the Freshmaker. Refreshingly geeky, curiously talented. He's like a musical Altoid.
Asa Barnes. Junior High School band leader. Even though he sang a Michael Jackson song (something that generally falls under the heading of "Not The Best Idea"), I liked this guy. Totally unpretentious, good role-model type and totally self-effacing. And he can actually sing (which is a bonus in a show that is, ostensibly, about singing talent).
Lil Rounds. Sounds like something that doctors do on their off-hours, or some newfangled dog treat, but no, it's actually a name. She's another one who is gonna get a big dose of sympathy vote, because she has a Sad Story. She's got a really good, strong, truly soulful voice and I think she'll be right in the thick of things til close to the end.

In all, 27 folks got the nod to go on to Hollywood, most of them actually deserved it, I think. Certainly more so than Bikini Girl (who, in the immortal words of Jon Stewart, needs a cunch to the pooter).

Fingers crossed that the next two weeks will be as merciful as tonight's romp through KCMO!

Blogged with the Flock Browser

It's Fun, It's Sexy ... It's Phoenix!

2009-01-13T22:25:00.008-06:00

So, it's like, minus eleventy degrees here on the East Coast and watching last night's Season 8 Premiere of American Idol and its crop of auditioners from hot, steamy Phoenix has left me more than a little embittered.

But this isn't about me, now, is it?

This is about the giant, sucking musical void that apparently exists in the state of south-central Arizona. We'll call it the Grand Abyss. Let's examine what went down, shall we?

First and foremost, I've gotta say that I have something of a girl-crush on new, and 4th, judge Kara (pronounced CARE-a, not CAR-a) DioGuardi, simply because (A) she clearly has some chops and (B) she had the brass tacks to call one of the female contestants a word that generally doesn't go over well with women (see #8 below). She's gonna bring a whole new brand of crazy to the judges table. Fine family fun.

Other than that, I had a few observations:

(1) The Coca-Cola Company would like to remind you to recycle.
(2) Emily Hughes was one of two bright spots among the smallish group of auditioners who have made it through to the Hollywood round, but will likely go no further. She sang the CRAP out of Barracuda (which is no small feat). Let's hope her life plan of covering herself with as many tattoos and piercings as possible, in order to keep herself away from a desk job, works out for her.
(3) Having a seismically-low deep bass voice does NOT make you Barry White. Too bad for Elijah Scarlett.
(4) Sometimes, being likeable is enough. Just ask Michael Sarver, manly-man oil rig worker and overall nice guy.
(5) Lea Marie Golde, the nasally DioGuardi stalker, reminded me a heckuva lot of Lara Flynn Boyle's "psycho hosebeast" character from Wayne's World. She had the cute, Ivory Girl face, but her eyes said "helter skelter!"
(6) As far as Simon Cowell is concerned, a healthy knowledge of world geography has direct bearing on your ability to make it as a pop star. Lucky for Alex Wagner-Trugman (aka Mold Boy), he was a brainiac (c'mon ... he pulled Abkhazia!) and, since he had gotten himself, quite literally (figuratively, too, I'm guessing), out of the closet, earned himself a ticket to "The Show".
(7) There were TWO bright spots to be found in the endless parade of suck. The first was tattoo girl. The second was Scott McIntyre, or the person who's gonna end up being known as "the blind guy". His voice was great, and if he gets a chance to play his piano during the competition, it's gonna be game, set and match.
(8) I'm not going to mention her by name, because that would validate her existence, but Bikini Girl needs to be punched in the hoo-hah. Seriously.

So, that's it for me for Phoenix. Tonight, we're on to Kansas City: home of ribs, great chili and David Cook. With luck, SOMEONE will show some promise. Or at least share a good recipe for BBQ.

Sweatin' to the Funness & Sexiness

2009-01-08T09:02:00.007-06:00

Is this some sort of new fitness regimen that Richard Simmons has dreamed up? Deal-A-Poonanny?

Fun, Sexy, Pathetic

2009-01-07T11:53:00.003-06:00

I must say that I'm a pretty jaded celeb watcher. Every interview that used to be so exciting before the late '90s weekly rag onslaught is now nothing but regurgitated spin. I even cancelled my Us Weekly subscription (I know, finally) because every other week featured the two-headed beast known as Speidi (AKA the only "celebs" willing to give this mag exclusives).

That said, there are a few stars who never cease to peak my interest. One of those celebs is Jennifer Garner (whom I saw in Cyrano last year on Broadway, and who was just ai'ight for me for her). I think she's pretty much adorable, and I think Alias is trashy goodness (I used to think it was just straight up goodness, a la Felicity or Lost, but it's pretty much ridiculous).

So, for the past few weeks I've been checking the Celebrity Baby Blog hourly to see if she's managed to release the latest Affleck child into the world. It seems she made that happen yesterday. Another girl. Way to go. Can't wait to find out the name.

Which celebrities have managed to hold your interest despite all the over-exposure and over-spin?

American Idol = Fun + Sexy x Crazy Ass Crazy

2009-01-07T10:26:00.002-06:00

Hi, Friends!

As some of you may know, I've written about the yearly televised Godzilla American Idol for a few years now over at PhillyBurbs.com. As it seems that neither the current cloud of these economic times nor Rod Blagojevich's giant taint have yet to touch the niche blogging industry, I will be blogging over there once again. After a few years of Sanjayas and crazy Paulas and Randy's sparkle cowboy shirts, I'm feeling TIRED. So, my question for you is -- What do you want out of your Idol blog reading experience?

I'm looking for new ideas and challenges. Basically, I want you to do the hard part of my job for me. What kinds of posts do you want to see? What do you definitely not want to see? If you had been a reader of my posts previously, what worked and what didn't? I write to serve you.

Love.

Fun! Sexy! Truthy!

2009-01-07T09:45:00.006-06:00

Ahhhh ... The Holiday Season is over. Officially. I say again, "Ahhhhh!"

Ask anyone who knows me and they'll tell you that there is no one who loves Christmas -- the whole holiday season, actually -- more than I. I love the lights. I love the tradition. I love the 75% OFF, EVERYTHING MUST GO, GO, GO! sales at every turn. But even I have my limits. And I, for one, am delighted to turn the page and see what January will bring.

The Golden Globes!
American Idol!
The Oscars!
Other stuff I don't really care about!

There are two things, however, about which I am most excited in this new year: the returns of Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert to the airwaves. I depend on these two stalwarts of journalism to keep me abreast of the latest goings-on on this big blue marble we call home. Their extended holiday vacations left me woefully (or is it blissfully) uninformed and forced me to turn to hacks like John King and David Gregory to get my "facts".

For the remainder of this week, Jon Stewart's guests will be the brilliant, fun, possibly sexy, definitely awesome Rachel Maddow (who looks curiously like Elvis Costello) and White House Press Secretary Dana Perino (which will doubtless be nothing short of glorious). On Colbert, you'll see Benicio "Mushmouth" Del Toro and author Lawrence Lessig.

I'm glad you're back, gentlemen. A sense of peace, harmony and factose intolerance has returned to my life.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Crisis in the Senate - Deliberative Disorder

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

The Colbert ReportMon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

Better Know a District - Utah's 3rd - Jason Chaffetz

Colbert at Christmas
Colbert Christmas DVD

Green Screen
Bill O'Reilly Interview

Talk To The Fun, Sexy Hand!

2009-01-06T08:07:00.020-06:00

I've made no secret of the fact that I find The View to be vapid and patently unwatchable (sorry, Augie ... I know how you feel about Joy Behar's smooth n' velvety voice). I actually think its existence is one of the signs of the End of Days, sort of like Jimmy Dean Pancakes & Sausage On A Stick (there just aren't enough meats on sticks) or the presence of Sarah Palin on a Presidential election ticket.

Where was I? Oh, right. Daytime talk show drivel.

Yesterday, the show where seemingly-intelligent women go to fester and rot dealt me a moment of pure, unadulterated, laugh-out-loud glee. It would seem that Sherri Shepherd (the current, and probably just as disposable, Star Jones, who apparently thinks the world is flat) and her son did their best to annoy the crap out of Jeremy "Let's Hug It Out, Bitch" Piven on a recent flight from somewhere to somewhere (I feel for you, Mr. Piven).

While it was no real revelation that this woman is vehemently vexatious, I DID discover one tiny thing: I might actually have a glimmer of respect for Baba Wawa. Her flat-out, audaciously derisive reaction to Ms. Shepherd's little anecdote is glorious. You GO, you bitter ol' thing, you!

Fun, Sexy New Year

2009-01-06T07:07:00.005-06:00

Hi, all!

I've been spending a lot of time with my new bestie, the Amazon Kindle, so I feel like I've been neglecting the Internets. Good thing for my intellect, bad for the blog. I did want to write a post to wish you all a healthy, happy New Year. You can start by detoxing with Gwyneth. But remember:

If your bowel movements get sluggish, you can accelerate things by drinking half a cup of castor oil or using a mild herbal laxative. Bowel elimination is paramount for correct detoxification.

That's more information than I need to have about a former Oscar winner.

I also wanted to tell you about the amazing thing that happened to me on New Year's Eve. I. Had. Fun.

I am a big Scrooge McDuck about any holiday whose sole purpose is to give amateurs the excuse to drink copiously or hit unsuspecting victims with shaving cream and eggs or to nearly set my garage on fire with their illegal fireworks. My top 5 most despised holidays are New Year's Eve, Halloween, St. Patrick's Day, 4th of July, and frakkin' Pulaski Day. If I lived anywhere else, I'd probably include Fat Tuesday in the list, but here in Chicago we care more about consuming lethal doses of paczkis than lethal does of alcohol on that particular day. And who doesn't like doughnuts?

This New Year's Eve, I had the best excuse to stay in -- the infant. The husband and I decided we were going to stay in and order a Lobstergram. We were not going to actively pursue merriment outside the confines of our home. Word got out about this, and a few of our friends thought it sounded like fun and we invited them over. We decided instead of ordering Lobsters, we'd go to that great seafood haven, Costco, and see what we could find.

I stayed at home while the shopping occurred. If they came home with nothing, at least I'd have asparagus and molton chocolate cake for them to eat. If the cake didn't turn out, I'd have ice cream. At around five o'clock, my sister-in-law showed up at my door with boxes of food -- frozen seafood appetizers, shrimp, scallops, crab legs, and beef tenderloin. Thus we started our Iron Chef kamakaze cooking. Everyone helped out with the food. I was most impressed with my brother's garlic shrimp. The whole cooking process took us to about 7:00. We ate, then played Celebrities (lots of Chicago politicians included in the mix). After that, it was about 11:00. We watched two local news personalities flirt their way, inappropriately, into the New Year. Then we had some champagne, sent some gratuitous text messages, and settled in for some Karaoke Revolution.

The evening was fun, exciting (the secret ingredient is -- surf and turf!), and spent with good friends (and the cake was delicious, if I do say so myself).

Here's to an equally fun and exciting New Year for all y'all!

The Leastest Fun, Leastest Sexiest Dance Show Ever

2009-01-05T16:29:00.006-06:00

You remember Michael Flatley? The self-proclaimed "Lord of the Dance" should, perhaps, consider a new title after last night's premiere of Superstars of Dance, the brainchild of American Idol and So You Think You Can Dance? producer Nygel Lythgoe. Somehing like "Jester of Dance". As an aside, Mr. Lythgoe didn't NEED another dance show, as SYTYCD is already the bomb diggity, yo. It is fun, it is sexy -- nay SMOLDERING -- and it doesn't have Michael Flatley, which I consider a rather good thing.

The new show, which will air starting tonight, at its "regular" time (I put "regular" in quotes, because if it lasts another week, I'll eat my Ugg boots. Which, from a fashion perspective might be a good thing, as it's been pointed out that they are heinously ugly in spite of their delicious comfortableness. But I digress ...) on NBC at 8EST/7CEN, is billed as "an intoxicating mix of cultures", but it's pretty much just a celebration of cheese. And not even good cheese.

The one thing that this 2-hour cavalcade of dreck DID have was Robert Muraine. For those of you who're fans of So You Think You Can Dance?, you'll remember him as "Mr. Fantastic", or the guy who was able to do all of those insanely freakish, wonderfully awesome, defy-the-laws-of-physics-and-anatomy things to his body. Sadly, this show even managed to steal some of HIS thunder, which is really hard, as you'll see in the video -- a clip from his audition for SYTYCD last year.

Save yourself the agony. SKIP the show. Watch the video. You'll be up in the game by 113 minutes.

You can thank me later.

The 2008 Least Funny and Sexy Movies of the Year

2009-01-01T08:21:00.002-06:00

Though I managed to avoid a lot of the crap, I couldn't sidestep it all. 2008 was rife with movie dung. Pretty much the first nine months of the year was a veritable wasteland of doody with a few golden nuggets thrown in for good measure. End the poop imagery.

In no real order, here are the worst of the worst:

Harold and Kumar Escape from Gitmo. I really liked the White Castle version of this movie. I LUUUURVE me some NPH. Alas, I knew I was in trouble when the first two minutes of the movie included both fecal and wang cider humor. Didn't that stop being funny around Van Wilder time?

The Love Guru. Mike Meyers has not come up with a new joke since 2001. It's almost a little bit sad to see what he's become, but it's really more about the Shadenfreude.

Tropic Thunder. I realize I may be in the minority on this one, but I thought this movie was an incredibly stale caricature of the film industry. I had very high hopes for this movie, but I thought almost every "insight" revealed about Hollywood could've been made by any casual observer of popular culture or watcher of Entourage. Even Robert Downey, Jr. was a tad disappointing. Tom Cruise's performance has been way overrated. A fat suit and bald cap do not equal funny. The only funny parts? The faux film previews and the full retard conversation. Otherwise? Blah.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. George Lucas, you are wearing no clothes. This movie was one of the most disappointing of the year. Horrible title? Check. A crystal skull constructed from last year's Christmas and Halloween decorations from Michaels? Check. Bored, over-the-hill Harrison Ford? Check. A bizarre performance by one of the most talented actresses in the world? Check. ALIENS!?!? Check.

Australia. Nicole Kidman should just enjoy her time in Tennessee and stop making movies. Hugh Jackman had nothing to work with. And my sweet Baz, what happened to you? This movie almost makes Pearl Harbor look like Gone With the Wind.

Other films that sucked, but really had no hope of not sucking: What Happens in Vegas, Fool's Gold

Decent Ideas that Fell Very, Very Short: Vantage Point and The Bucket List

Movies That Should've Sucked, But Didn't: Don't Mess With the Zohan; 27 Dresses; Welcome Home, Roscoe Jenkins

Worst Movie Going Experience: Run, Fat Boy, Run where someone behind me kept coughing up a lung every five minutes.

Best Actor of a Mediocre to Bad Film: James Marsden, 27 Dresses, who solidified his status as under-the radar super-stud

Casting that Pretty Much Ruined the Movie for Me: Angelina Jolie in Wanted, who could not possibly have lifted any of those guns in real life. And she takes herself way too seriously. I just don't like her. Anyway.

10 Funnest, Sexiest Movies of the Year

2008-12-30T10:38:00.004-06:00

Since I spent all of 2008 either pregnant or with an infant, I missed a few movies here and there and I mostly avoided a lot of the crap. However, I did see enough movies to compile a Top Ten list. Here it is:

10. Forgetting Sarah Marshall.* I was really starting to tire of everyone who ever met Judd Apatow before this movie was released, but I should have known that my Marshall Erickson would be able to make a really sweet and funny movie.

9. Burn After Reading. I'm not sure why this movie didn't get more love. It's very classic Coen Brothers. Brad Pitt is amazingly insane.

8. Role Models. The best straight up comedy of the year. Tropic Thunder is undeservedly overpraised (see my worst of list tomorrow), and Pineapple Express is fantastic for the first 3/4 of the movie, but loses it in the end. Plus, the dorkiest character in the whole film is named, what else, Augie.

7. Son of Rambow. Can I say, Chuck Bass? Yes, the Bass-hole is in this movie, but it's the little kids who sell it. Look for Will Poulter, who plays Lee Carter, to make something of himself someday.

6. The Visitor. So. Freaking. Good. You must rent this movie immediately. Richard Jenkins deserves a best actor nomination for sure.

5. In Bruges. I love, love, love this movie. The screenplay is fantastic. The acting is superb. It's just a bizarre, smallish, bloody film.

4. Iron Man. This certainly was the year of really good superhero movies. Robert Downey, Jr. is officially back, though he'd been back in my heart since his stint on Ally McBeal.

3. Frost/Nixon. The most recent movie I saw with my husband has a slash in the title, just like the very first movie we ever saw together: Face/Off. Just a little bit of trivia. Frost/Nixon is waaaaay better. The acting is superb. Both Frank Langella and Michael Sheen are great as the title characters. Plus, Oliver Platt. Love him.

2. Slumdog Millionaire. This is the movie that will probably win Best Picture at the Academy Awards, and it probably should. It should also receive an adapted screenplay nomination as well. This is one of the most interestingly constructed movies in a long time and it's just a joy to watch.

1. The Dark Knight. I've seen it thrice. I don't care how popular it is or how cool it is to be bashing TDK right about now, this movie is fantastic. The acting is very good to great. The score is fantastic. The cinematography is unbelievable. I still can't help but marvel at the non-CGI shot of Christian Bale at the top of the Sears Tower. Chicago never looked better. And, most of all, shouldn't we all be encouraging Hollywood to make big budget popcorn movies that are actually good? Let's throw a few Oscars over by there.

*I realize the movie Wall-E is missing from this list. I saw it. I liked it. I'm not as deeply in love with this movie as many people are. I think it's good, and technically brilliant, and I may grow to love the movie in time, but as of December 30, 2008, I am just not there yet.

Teen Pregnancy: So Fun, So Sexy, SO Awesome!

2008-12-30T07:03:00.010-06:00

Listen up kids! Getting pregnant is cool! It's AWESOME! It'll score you the major bucks!

Really. It's true. Just ask Bristol Palin.

I had hoped I'd heard the last of Gov. Sarah Palin and her rag-tag rabble of Joe Six Pack, you betcha, snow-machine-driving, moose-shooting family members. But, alas, my hopes were dashed by the December 28 birth of little Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston, the product of the dalliance between sweet, young Bristol Palin and her boyfriend, Levi "I like to go camping and hang out with the boys, do some fishing, shoot some s**t and just f***in' chillin' I guess" Johnston.

Here's what's so awesome about the Crowned Prince of Wassila:

(1) He totally scored in the Palin baby-naming pool and won't be subjected to the name "Zamboni".
(2) He's gonna learn real early how to shoot shit. Just ask his dad.
(3) His grandma is one of the most entertaining footnotes in the history of history.
(4) His OTHER grandma is addicted to coffee (read: OxyContin) and has won herself a felony drug charge.
(5) People magazine, God love 'em, is rewarding all of this by shelling out $300,000 for pictures of the little bundle of joy.

Not only are the tabloids forking over the beaucoup dolares, thereby validating something that would have ruined the lives of any OTHER teens in this country (not that I really have a strong opinion on this or anything), but once Mr. "I'm a f***in' redneck who likes to snowboard and ride dirt bikes. But I live to play hockey" Johnston's mom was arrested last week for drug trafficking, the price increased by $200K.

So, go forth and throw caution to the wind, youngsters! Get yourself knocked up. It's fun! It'll set you up for life! Just make sure your parents are doing lots of drugs. You won't have to worry about a thing. Or not.

And just because it makes me giggle, here's one for old-time's sake:

Fun, Sexy Gift Idea (SO Much Better Than A Chia Pet)

2008-12-19T06:15:00.011-06:00

Christmas is next week (maybe you've heard that). If you're like me, you're still scurrying around trying to find that extra-special something-something for your extra-special someone. You go from store to store thinking,
"Chia head?" No.
"Julianne Hough's Holiday CD?" Uhh ... No. "Life-size LEGO replica?" Though that would quite the conversation-starter, NO. I think, however, I've found just the thing: it's soft, it's compact, and, best of all, 100% of the proceeds from its sale go to charity.

You guessed it. It's snot.

You can own your very own piece of celebrity mucus. Scarlett Johansson, currently infected with a cold she caught from cool cat (and co-star in the craptacular The Spirit), sneezed into a tissue on The Tonight Show and is auctioning it off on eBay.

Will this be the start of a whole new celebrity germ culture (no pun intended)? What will be next on the blocks? Earwax-laden Q-Tips from the bathroom of Nicole Kidman? Belly button lint from TomKat? Used dental floss from Heidi & Spencer?

Is this a great country, or what?

Fun, Sexy Golden Globe Reactions - Movie Style

2008-12-11T10:04:00.005-06:00

Unfortunately, due to it being frowned upon for me to take my whiny infant into a theater and the fact that movie Powers That Be feel that we here in Chicago can't handle seeing Award Worthy movies before early January, I haven't seen as many of the Golden Globe nominees as I'd have liked. However, the husband has taken it upon himself to see almost everything (mostly via 10 PM double features on the weekends) and has given me a pretty good rundown of what's what. I'll let him comment where he sees fit.

On the other hand, I watch a crap load of TV.

Here are my thoughts on the Golden Globe nominations:

Best Picture Nominations

I'm kind of a fan of how the Globes have a comedy/musical category and a drama category. I am not a fan of them feeling they need to nominate a musical just because it stars Meryl Streep. Mamma Mia! is garbage. You don't even have to see the movie to know that. Listen to the one minute song snippets on iTunes. Yuck.

Sorely missing from either category (though it certainly isn't a comedy) is The Dark Knight. Yes, it's a "popcorn movie." Yes, it's about "superheroes." But also, yes, it's the best movie of the year. It should have a buttload of nominations (picture, director, cinematography, supporting actor, at the very least). But it doesn't. Because the Globe Heads needed to make room for more Meryl Streep butt licking.

Milk is also absent from the list. Now, I feel that in any other year Milk would be an also-ran. It's a very good biopic, but it's not great. Milk is not a movie you'll be reminiscing to your kids about in ten years. However, thirty years after the murder of Harvey Milk and during the year where so many anti-gay laws were put into effect, there is no movie more timely.

But back to Meryl Streep bashing. It's criminal to include the much maligned Mamma Mia! in the best comedical category in a year of some very good to excellent comedies. This missing films: Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, Pineapple Express, Role Models, and Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I hated Tropic Thunder.

A few nomination kudos, though.

I love, and keep loving, In Bruges. Rent it immediately if you haven't seen it. Burn After Reading is an underrated film, and I'm glad it's on the list (even though it's probably only there due to Coen brothers' name recognition). And John keeps telling me I need to get out there and see Slumdog Millionaire immediately.

Film Acting Nominations

First of all, Meryl Freaking Streep. Again. And again. And again. It needs to stop. She's a travesty in Mamma Mia!. You know, though, I don't even know who's missing from the actress lists because there were SO FEW DECENT PARTS for actresses this year. And every year. It needs to stop. And Angelina Jolie is perhaps the most overrated actress, nay person, on the planet.

Missing actors: Colin Farrell and Ralph Finnes for In Bruges, Richard Jenkins and Haaz Sleiman for The Visitor. Brad Pitt for Burn After Reading. Emile Hirsch for Milk, should've gotten a nomination as well.

I am very excited, however, for James Franco's Pineapple Express nod.

TV later.

Golden Globe Nominations

2008-12-11T08:59:00.001-06:00

1. BEST MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA

THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON
Warner Bros. Pictures and Paramount Pictures; Warner Bros. Pictures and Paramount Pictures
FROST/NIXON
Imagine Entertainment, Working Title, Studio Canal; Universal Pictures
THE READER
Mirage Enterprises; The Weinstein Company
REVOLUTIONARY ROAD
An Evamere Entertainment BBC Films Neal Street Production; DreamWorks Pictures in Association with BBC Films and Paramount Vantage
SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE
Fox Searchlight Pictures and Warner Bros.; Fox Searchlight Pictures and Warner Bros.

2. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA

ANNE HATHAWAY – RACHEL GETTING MARRIED
ANGELINA JOLIE – CHANGELING
MERYL STREEP – DOUBT
KRISTIN SCOTT THOMAS – I'VE LOVED YOU SO LONG (IL Y A LONGTEMPS QUE JE T’AIME)
KATE WINSLET – REVOLUTIONARY ROAD

3. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA

LEONARDO DICAPRIO – REVOLUTIONARY ROAD
FRANK LANGELLA – FROST/NIXON
SEAN PENN – MILK
BRAD PITT – THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON
MICKEY ROURKE – THE WRESTLER

4. BEST MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

BURN AFTER READING
Working Title/Releasing Company; Focus Features in association with Studio Canal
HAPPY-GO-LUCKY
Summit Entertainment, Film4, Ingenious Film Partners, Miramax Films; Miramax Films
IN BRUGES
Blueprint Pictures; Focus Features
MAMMA MIA!
Relativity Media, Playtone, Littlestar; Universal Pictures
VICKY CRISTINA BARCELONA
Mediapro; The Weinstein Company

5.BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

REBECCA HALL – VICKY CRISTINA BARCELONA
SALLY HAWKINS – HAPPY-GO-LUCKY
FRANCES MCDORMAND – BURN AFTER READING
MERYL STREEP – MAMMA MIA!
EMMA THOMPSON – LAST CHANCE HARVEY

6. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

JAVIER BARDEM – VICKY CRISTINA BARCELONA
COLIN FARRELL – IN BRUGES
JAMES FRANCO – PINEAPPLE EXPRESS
BRENDAN GLEESON – IN BRUGES
DUSTIN HOFFMAN – LAST CHANCE HARVEY

7. BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM

BOLT
Walt Disney Pictures; Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures
KUNG FU PANDA
DreamWorks Animation SKG; Paramount Pictures
WALL-E
Walt Disney Pictures and Pixar Animation Studios; Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures

8. BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM

THE BAADER MEINHOF COMPLEX (GERMANY)
(DER BADDER MEINHOF KOMPLEX)
Constantin Film Produktion GmbH; Summit Entertainment, LLC
EVERLASTING MOMENTS (SWEDEN/DENMARK)
(MARIA LARSSONS EVIGA ÖGONBLICK)
Final Cut Productions Aps; IFC Films
GOMORRAH (ITALY)
(GOMORRA)
Fandango; IFC Films
I'VE LOVED YOU SO LONG (FRANCE)
(IL Y A LONGTEMPS QUE JE T’AIME)
UGC YM/UGC Images/France 3 Cinema/Integral Film; Sony Pictures Classics
WALTZ WITH BASHIR (ISRAEL)
Bridgit Folman Film Gang/Les Films D'Ici/Razor Films/Arte France/ITVS International; Sony Pictures Classics

9. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE

AMY ADAMS – DOUBT
PENELOPE CRUZ – VICKY CRISTINA BARCELONA
VIOLA DAVIS –DOUBT
MARISA TOMEI – THE WRESTLER
KATE WINSLET – THE READER

10. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE

TOM CRUISE – TROPIC THUNDER
ROBERT DOWNEY JR. –TROPIC THUNDER
RALPH FIENNES – THE DUCHESS
PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN – DOUBT
HEATH LEDGER – THE DARK KNIGHT

11. BEST DIRECTOR – MOTION PICTURE

DANNY BOYLE – SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE
STEPHEN DALDRY – THE READER
DAVID FINCHER – THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON
RON HOWARD – FROST/NIXON
SAM MENDES – REVOLUTIONARY ROAD

12. BEST SCREENPLAY – MOTION PICTURE

SIMON BEAUFOY – SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE
DAVID HARE – THE READER
PETER MORGAN – FROST/NIXON
ERIC ROTH – THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN
JOHN PATRICK SHANLEY – DOUBT

13. BEST ORIGINAL SCORE – MOTION PICTURE

ALEXANDRE DESPLAT –THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON
CLINT EASTWOOD – CHANGELING
JAMES NEWTON HOWARD – DEFIANCE
A. R. RAHMAN – SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE
HANS ZIMMER – FROST/NIXON

14. BEST ORIGINAL SONG – MOTION PICTURE

“DOWN TO EARTH” — WALL-E
Music by: Peter Gabriel, Thomas Newman
Lyrics by: Peter Gabriel
“GRAN TORINO” — GRAN TORINO
Music by: Clint Eastwood, Jamie Cullum, Kyle Eastwood, Michael Stevens
Lyrics by: Kyle Eastwood, Michael Stevens
“I THOUGHT I LOST YOU” — BOLT
Music & Lyrics by: Miley Cyrus, Jeffrey Steele
“ONCE IN A LIFETIME” — CADILLAC RECORDS
Music & Lyrics by: Beyoncé Knowles, Amanda Ghost, Scott McFarnon, Ian Dench, James Dring, Jody Street
“THE WRESTLER” — THE WRESTLER
Music & Lyrics by: Bruce Springsteen

15. BEST TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA

DEXTER (SHOWTIME)
Showtime/John Goldwyn Productions/The Colleton Company/Clyde Phillips Productions
HOUSE (FOX)
Universal Media Studios in association with Heel and Toe Films, Shore Z Productions and Bad Hat Harry Productions
IN TREATMENT (HBO)
Sheleg, Closest to the Hole Productions in association with HBO Entertainment
MAD MEN (AMC)
Lionsgate Television
TRUE BLOOD (HBO)
Your Face Goes Here Productions in association with HBO Entertainment

16. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA

SALLY FIELD – BROTHERS AND SISTERS
MARISKA HARGITAY –LAW AND ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT
JANUARY JONES – MAD MEN
ANNA PAQUIN – TRUE BLOOD
KYRA SEDGWICK – THE CLOSER

17. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA

GABRIEL BYRNE – IN TREATMENT
MICHAEL C. HALL – DEXTER
JON HAMM – MAD MEN
HUGH LAURIE – HOUSE
JONATHAN RHYS MEYERS – THE TUDORS

18. BEST TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

30 ROCK (NBC)
Universal Media Studios in association with Broadway Video and Little Stranger Inc.
CALIFORNICATION (SHOWTIME)
Showtime Presents in association with Aggressive Mediocrity, And Then...
ENTOURAGE (HBO)
Leverage and Closest to the Hole Productions in association with HBO Entertainment
THE OFFICE (NBC)
Deedle Dee Productions, Reveille LLC, Universal Media Studios
WEEDS (SHOWTIME)
Lionsgate Television

19.BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES –COMEDY OR MUSICAL

CHRISTINA APPLEGATE – SAMANTHA WHO?
AMERICA FERRERA – UGLY BETTY
TINA FEY – 30 ROCK
DEBRA MESSING – THE STARTER WIFE
MARY-LOUISE PARKER – WEEDS

20. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

ALEC BALDWIN – 30 ROCK
STEVE CARELL – THE OFFICE
KEVIN CONNOLLY – ENTOURAGE
DAVID DUCHOVNY – CALIFORNICATION
TONY SHALHOUB – MONK

21. BEST MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

A RAISIN IN THE SUN (ABC)
Sony Pictures Television
BERNARD AND DORIS (HBO
Trigger Street Independent Productions in association with Little Bird and Chicago Films and HBO Films
CRANFORD (PBS)
A Co-Production of BBC and WGBH Boston.
JOHN ADAMS (HBO)
Playtone in association with HBO Films
RECOUNT (HBO)
Spring Creek/Mirage Productions in association with Trigger Street Productions, Everyman Pictures and HBO Films

22. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

JUDI DENCH – CRANFORD
CATHERINE KEENER – AN AMERICAN CRIME
LAURA LINNEY – JOHN ADAMS
SHIRLEY MACLAINE – COCO CHANEL
SUSAN SARANDON – BERNARD AND DORIS

23. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

RALPH FIENNES – BERNARD AND DORIS
PAUL GIAMATTI – JOHN ADAMS
KEVIN SPACEY – RECOUNT
KIEFER SUTHERLAND – 24: REDEMPTION
TOM WILKINSON – RECOUNT

24. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

EILEEN ATKINS – CRANFORD
LAURA DERN – RECOUNT
MELISSA GEORGE – IN TREATMENT
RACHEL GRIFFITHS – BROTHERS AND SISTERS
DIANNE WIEST – IN TREATMENT

25. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS – HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER
DENIS LEARY – RECOUNT
JEREMY PIVEN – ENTOURAGE
BLAIR UNDERWOOD – IN TREATMENT
TOM WILKINSON – JOHN ADAMS

The View - "This is the dumbest show I've ever been on."

2008-12-10T12:41:00.005-06:00

Thank you, Barbara, for echoing my sentiments.

The show that had been a riveting ticking time bomb during the presidential election has become a bastion of the inane.

Here's what went down (and this is all before the really, really hard to watch Greta Van Susteren came on the show):

1. The ladies completely butchered Illinois politics. Governor Rod R. Blagojevich is going to be in the news for quite a while. It might behoove you to learn how to pronounce his name, Barbara Walters. It's Blah-GOY-yeh-vitch. It's only been on every news channel 100,000,000 times before your show aired at 10 AM today. Also, Whoopi, yes, four of our governors have found themselves in hot water, but not four CONSECUTIVE governors. I'm sure Jim Thompson and Jim Edgar would be surprised to find out that they too were conviction on corruption charges. Also, Elisabeth, George Ryan is/was a Republican. Don't talk about his conviction with such glee.

2. Whoopi talked like a valley girl throughout an entire segment about a 70-year-old woman who gave birth in India.

3. Again with the strange births. This show has become Maury Povich so slowly I barely noticed.

4. The ladies hooted and hollered over a blocked out picture of some football player naked in the locker room.

5. And then Cameron Matheson showed up to prove he doesn't wear a thong.

6. This all led up to Whoopi's search for the perfect gingerbread man.

And I'm only half way through with the show. I need to watch some Sesame Street to get my brain working again.

Gossip Girl - My Undereducated Guess

2008-12-10T11:49:00.004-06:00

So, Bart "Robocop" Bass is "dead" and unfortunately Aaron "Crispin Glover" Rose is still around. Dan and Serena continue to torment each other, as do Chuckles (who was doing his best Edward Cullen impression) and Blair, obviously. Eric's ex-boyfriend showed up just to remind us all that he's both still alive and a geigh. And Serena revealed her Emily Postian rules for funereal and matrimonial dressing: Off the shoulder LBD for funerals and lady business-bearing off-white if you're a wedding guest.

Now, GG will not be back NEW on the C-Dub until January, but I am using my powers of foresight based on my many years of soap opera viewing to predict what will happen when the show resumes...

First off, Bart is not dead. We never saw the body. Presumably, Lily and Chuckles never even saw the body. Bart will come back at the most inopportune time for everyone. Probably next season when the writers run out of ideas.

Second, tiny baby Van Der Woodsen-Humphrey. It shall be a boy, and that boy shall be Chuckles' brother, who is due to join the cast in the upcoming half season. Yes. That's right. Dan and Serena's (and Jenny and Eric's) half brother is none other than Chuckles' older brother, who was adopted because Chuckles' mom (who eventually "died" in childbirth) was unable to conceive until MIRACLE! she was knocked up with Chuck.

I'm just sayin'.

Paula - No More Idol?

2008-12-10T08:46:00.002-06:00

Per the television's greatest source for cat fights and talk of flatulence, The View, it seems like season 8 might be it for Paula Abdul.

It's BAAACK!

2008-12-08T21:44:00.003-06:00

Ahhh ... you can smell it in the air, can't you? The scent of low-to-moderate grade cheese? That's because American Idol returns to your homes and hearts in precisely one month's time! And you thought you had just forgotten to take out the garbage last night.

Come January 13, we'll be treated to re-re-re-re-re-hashings of Simon Cowell's venomous barbs, the blatherings of one Randawg Jackson and, of course, the oft-senseless natterings of Miss Paula Abdul. I do so look forward to hearing her wax philosophical about how the contestants have really made their songs their own, allowed their spirits to soar on the wings of berainbowed fairies, and how they are all not just unique, but also different.

In that spirit, I'd like to add my two cents about the theme nights I'd like to see during this season:

1. 80s Week

2. Satanic Metal Week

3. Irish Drinking Songs Week

4. The Complete Works of Dr. Seuss Put to Music Week

5. Songs That Don't Suck Week

6. College Fight Songs Including the Word "Vim" Week

7. Gregorian Chant Week

8. Motown Week

9. Songs That Suggest Extreme Confidence In Mediocre Talent, and Not Merely Confidence But Almost Even A Suggestion That The Singer Feels That They Deserve Enormous Accolades As a God-Given Right Without Particular Effort Or Struggle And Certainly Without Actually Creating Something Themselves Week

10. Disco Week!

I Watch SNL So You Don't Have To

2008-12-08T11:42:00.002-06:00

This was one of the more entertaining episodes of SNL, even if it was devoid of Will Forte (Where was he? WHAT?)

Here are the best moments.

First Obama plays it cool...

Then the hysterical Pony Express...

And finally, the somewhat NSFW Pet Shop Boys send up: Jizz in My Pants...

Enjoy.

Blind Items to Ponder

2008-12-04T07:38:00.003-06:00

OMFG! A megastar parks where he wants and pays the tickets because he can afford them? Hey, he's trying to stimulate the city's economy.

Read here:

This A list comedian with A+ name recognition apparently cant be bothered with parking meters or valets or parking garages. Instead he seems to get some kind of perverse thrill of accumulating as many parking tickets as he can. He always pays his tickets, but just hates looking around for a parking spot or finding change for meters. Thus he parks where he wants for as long as he wants. Total amount of money spent on parking tickets last year? About $40,000. That total includes being towed on average of about once a month when he parked in a fire zone. It also averages out to about one parking ticket per day for an entire year. *Crazy Days and Nights*

Your so fired and you don't even know it!

Hopefully, you'll all be intrigued by today's blind item. But if a certain TV star is reading this, they should squint extra hard to read between the lines. How come? They've been canned -- they just don't know it yet!

Yep, it seems an original cast member of a hit series that's popular with Ausholes (and yours truly) has been pink-slipped without the benefit of being given a pink slip. A combo platter of budget cuts and creative redirection is being blamed for the firing, but it also bears mentioning that said performer was never going to win any popularity contests with their co-stars.
As for why the MVP still hasn't been told that the unemployment line is reserving a spot for them… well, that's where things get really interesting. According to my mole, there's still a snowball's chance in Hollywood that the producers might have a change of heart.

If, or when, the axe does fall, the regular's on-screen alter ego isn't likely to be killed off. Although death has cast a shadow over many a plot, this personality's demise would probably be deemed too morbid, even for this show.
So, stars... readers... readers who are stars... Call your agents and get guessing! Oh, and memo to my higher-ups at EW: Don't bother asking me who it is -- this is one blind item I won't be blabbing about! *EW*

Note: Apparently, the fired person is from a show that does not air on the CW or FOX.

Leave your guesses (real, creative, or otherwise) in the comments.

Twilight (aka Emo Vampires Wallow In Their Infinite Hotness): *1/2

2008-12-03T10:42:00.011-06:00

It's officially been two weeks since I girded up my loins, sucked in my breath and headed into the multiplex (with requisite giggling 15-year-old in tow) to see the celluloid vision of the phenomenon that is Twilight. I feel like I've had enough time to recover from the excursion to disseminate the gory details.

For the most part, if you're over 25 years old, you're gonna think this movie bites the big one (no pun intended. OK ... maybe I meant it a little.) There is so much brooding angst dripping off of the actors that you practically need hip waders to get through it all. The acting is totally melodramatic, but at least all of the characters have great hair. So, they've got that going for them, which is nice.

Poor Bella Swan, uber-klutz and social misfit (despite being drop-dead gorgeous), moves to super-saturated Forks, WA, which is apparently the rainiest, most depressing spot on the face of the Earth. She is immediately embraced and fawned over by the cool clique (as all mid-semester transfer students are) and then has not one, but two smoldering, supernatural Adonises vying for her affections. Blah, blah, blah. It's the usual story: girl meets vampire, girl falls in love with vampire, girl wants to live life as an immortal in order to be with Him.

It's kind of awful. But it does have its brilliance.

The real enjoyment of this movie will come if you have the opportunity to see it in a theater full of girls (there will be NO dudes there) between the ages of 12 and 18. The collective sighing and shrieking at the appearance of each and every vamp (including EVERY screen shot of Undead Poster Boy: Robert "I Used To Be Cedric Diggory" Pattinson) was enough to turn this emo angstfest into a rollicking comedy adventure. Seriously ... this thing will stand up against the Beatles 1st American Performance at Shea Stadium, so overwhelmed with sweat were the young ladies at my screening.

If you feel you must join in the fray, comb your bangs over one eye, start listening to a lot of Panic At The Disco, and put on your most brooding expression. Then grab a gaggle of gigglers and go.

Otherwise, just stay home, geek out and watch the Harry Potter quintology. You'll be glad you did.

**** Movie Rating System

2008-12-02T11:43:00.001-06:00

My husband John and I and our friend Jeff came up with the perfect movie rating system on a four star scale a few years ago. My esteemed husband has decided to abandon this scale and has started reviewing movies based on a five star scale. I feel this is grade inflation. Here is my star rating system to help you better assess my movie reviews.

**** - The movie is a classic or destined to become a classic, i.e. Wall-E or The Dark Knight.

***1/2 - I loved this movie. It might not reach classic status, but you should get your butt out to a movie theater immediately to view this film, i.e. Iron Man or In Bruges.

*** - This was a solid film. See it, certainly, but you may do so at your leisure, i.e. The Visitor or Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

**1/2 - On the whole, I liked this film, but I had reservations, i.e. Pineapple Express.

** - This movie was completely forgettable, neither good nor horribly awful. You will forget this movie as soon as you leave the theater, i.e. I can't remember.

*1/2 - This movie was not my cup of tea, but others may like it due to a niche subject matter and/or critics being bamboozled by fancy directors, stars, or ideas, i.e. Cloverfield.

* - This movie was absolutely worthless, i.e. Harold and Kumar Escape from GitMo and Fool's Gold.

1/2 star - This movie was so bad it's actually funny and entertaining, i.e. nothing that was released this year.

0 stars - This movie was so bad, I had to leave the theater, i.e. shockingly nothing this year, but in the past House of Wax, Battlefield Earth, and Cheaper By the Dozen.

Australi-ugh (**)

2008-12-02T09:38:00.002-06:00

So far, as of December 2, this year has pretty much blown movie-wise. There have been a handful of quite good to exquisitely good movies, but they were few and far between throughout the first eleven months of 2008. I went into November expecting great things. After all, the end of last year gave us a few stellar movies like There Will Be Blood and The Orphanage (Netflix them immediately if you haven't seen them. And I don't want to hear the subtitle complaints about The Orphanage. That movie is fantastic) and on the very last day of 2006 perhaps the best movie of the past ten or so years (Children of Men) was released.

This year has been a little meh so far in the Oscar bait arena. Of the eight movies with Oscar potential listed by Entertainment Weekly, Australia is only the second one I've seen so far (I have an infant, it's difficult), and it's a heaping pile of dung. I am very disappointed in this second Baz/Kidman outing because Moulin Rouge! is one of my top five favorite movies of all time. Moulin Rouge! is a vibrant spectacle full of emotion and visual candy. Australia could've been directed by anyone for all of the lack of imagination of costume and scenery. Nicole Kidman and Hugh "Sexy Man" Jackman have negative chemistry. And voiceover is usually a poor choice in any movie, especially when your narrator is a child. On top of all that, the movie is three hours long, but should have been four because all of the emotional resonance was left on the cutting room floor.

Instead, according to my husband, go see Slumdog Millionaire (which I nearly typed as "Slumdong Millionaire. How's that for a porn title?)

There Are Many Things I Am Thankful For

2008-11-27T08:44:00.008-06:00

Melissa is thankful. Thankful, first of all, that I live in a country in which I can not only refer to myself in the third person, but also one in which we have a holiday whose sole purpose is to celebrate food. Yeah, there's that whole family and giving thanks for the people we love thing, but mostly, it's about the chow.

Aside from turkey, stuffing, cranberries and, of course, pie, there are a few other things for which I am truly, truly thankful this year, not the least of which are blue poinsettias. I love that the marketeers are bringing that natural feel back to ye olde holiday season.

Mostly, though, I am thankful for this:

The Treadmobile. This thing is a testament to the sheer power of capitalism. Where else but the good ol' US of A could you find a machine that combines the magic of running with the great outdoors? That's right! Now, you too can run OUTSIDE! Who would have thought such a thing was possible? Simply take your treadmobile out of the garage, hop aboard and start yourself a'runnin. I mean, you can't turn or anything, so this is really only a viable option for those of us who live on straightaways. If you live on a cul de sac, I guess it really sucks to be you. And here I've been stationary for all these years. My life is forever changed.)

Here's to the hope that your Thanksgiving is not just fun and sexy, but also filled with, you know ... love ... and joy and family and stuff.

Julie's Favorite Things, Part I

2008-11-26T11:13:00.006-06:00

Today was Oprah's Favorite Things episode, the most anticipated TV episode in all the land. But it was a total cop out this year. MAKE gifts?! Say nice THINGS about people?! This isn't fairy land, Oprah. Give us the good stuff.

In order to satiate your need to be told what to buy, I have compiled a list of my favorite things this year. It's a more modest list than Oprah's normal favorite things, and you get nothing free from my list, but I hope you enjoy it and/or anonymously judge me from the comment box. Feel free to post your favorite things below. It's Black Friday Almost Eve and we need to stimulate this economy! Sexy.

Food Related Products
Dining Deal: Morton's 30th Anniversary Special. John and I have partaken in this special event, and it is worth every penny and every ounce of every pound. Make sure you skip the Key Lime Pie in favor of the Hot Chocolate Cake. Also, I can't find a link to it, but there is a fabulous drink on the menu that is much like a non minty mojito. Drink it.

Snack: Fiber One Oats and Caramel Bars. Nom nom nom. I'm pretty much a fan of anything Fiber One. It makes me feel like I'm almost eating something healthy, and I like that.

Clothing
I haven't bought much this year that wasn't maternity-related because I'm still trying to fit comfortably back into my old clothes (thanks, baby!). Alas, I bought myself a pair of these pants from L.L. Bean that are cheap, elastic, and can be pretend "dress up" pants. No one...will know. Except that I just told them.

Toiletries
I love this soap because it smells like Pez candy. What's more special than that?

And if you're fruity like me, you'll love this fruity Avojuice hand lotion (though they've discontinued my favorite grape flavor).

I adore the rosy scent of Stella McCartney's perfume (maybe it reminds me of my Rose Petal doll from back in the day, so what?). It's also natural and organic. Made from the bones of Chilean children or something.

I'll be back with more later. You've been warned.

What a Fun, Sexy Thanksgiving for You

2008-11-25T16:02:00.004-06:00

Via her Goop newsletter, Gwyneth Paltrow orders, nay COMMANDS, you do this for Thanksgiving:

Mostly, make sure that no matter what type of meal you are having, you take a moment to think about how much you do have (health, love, friendship, passion, perspective, appreciation, intellect, reason, kindness) and reflect on how you can share more of it with others.

I'm a little less holier-than-thou. Here are 5 shallow things to be thankful for this holiday weekend.

1. TV Comedies. I have trouble getting it up for any of the hour long dramas this year. Maybe it's because of the dire straits of the actual world we live in, or because IZZY is freaking having SEX with GHOSTS, I'm not sure. However, many of the half-hour sitcoms are entertaining me to the hilt. These shows include the underrated Big Bang Theory and New Adventures of Old Christine, the underwatched How I Met Your Mother and 30 Rock, and the beloved The Office. I would go so far as to say that the Monday night tandem of BBT and HIMYM is starting to rival the Thursday night line-up in terms of what TV I look forward to each week.

2. Jesse White, Illinois Secretary of State. I know this won't apply to most of you reading this blog, but I am very thankful for this man and all he has done to make going to the DMV an exceedingly pleasant experience. After renewing my driver's license in under fifteen minutes yesterday, I have come to realize that this man is a miracle worker. I might just go hang out at the Elston Avenue location for shits and giggles sometime.

3. Red Wine. Oprah and Dr. Oz have decided to prescribe alcohol, any alcohol, as the greatest assistant to longevity. Red wine gets a bigger nod because of its antioxidants. Drink and be merry!

4. My car. No, it's not an environmentally responsible hybrid or electric car (though it does not get BAD gas milage, and I no longer have a commute), but it is American, so I've go that going for me. It's also so tricked out, I won't mind living in it when we get evicted from our house someday.

5. The entertainment value of The View. Even though the election is over, Elisabeth can still apply her Hannity-approved logic to such topics as gay marriage (What the devil will this teach our children about what marriage is supposed to be?) and pre-marital sex. And Sherri just sits there, not quite grasping it all, waiting for Whoopi to let her talk about Dancing With the Stars.

Oh, and I'm also thankful for my family and friends and blah blah blah, you know the deal.

Fun, Sexy SNL Skit, Part the First

2008-11-24T09:32:00.003-06:00

Happy Monday, Timers!

Next time the Saturday Night Live Powers That Be consider inviting Tim McGraw to host, they should immediately pass up his name in their Rolodex in favor of T-Pain and Ludacris. Here is one of the two good sketches from the Thanksgiving episode.

WAFSTFY: We're ESFP - The Performers

2008-11-20T13:09:00.002-06:00

According to the "Typealyzer," we here at What a Fun, Sexy Time for You are performers. According to the site:

The entertaining and friendly type. They are especially attuned to pleasure and beauty and like to fill their surroundings with soft fabrics, bright colors and sweet smells. They live in the present moment and don´t like to plan ahead - they are always in risk of exhausting themselves.

The enjoy work that makes them able to help other people in a concrete and visible way. They tend to avoid conflicts and rarely initiate confrontation - qualities that can make it hard for them in management positions.

Sounds about right.

I Am A Harry Potter Geek, Which Is Fun ... Possibly Sexy

2008-11-20T09:55:00.009-06:00

Like Julie, I wear my "I HEART Harry Potter" button with pride. TODAY is the day that Harry Potter & The Half-Blood Prince was to be released in all of its British awesomeness. But that isn't happening because some addle-brained marketing genius decided it would be prudent to wait until Summer. I'm only just slightly bitter about it.

What do I get to do instead?

I get to see Twilight! And I even get to see the midnight showing! With fifteen year olds! Who's jealous?

Tonight, while you all are blissfully drifting off to sleep or enjoying the witty repartee between Jon Stewart and his guest du jour, I will be awash in the desperate lust of clammy vampires, and its even clammier, not-to-mention comically clumsy Seattle-adjacent-dwelling heroine.

Visually, this movie had potential to be ... pleasing, at least, as the aforementioned vamps are purported to be scorchingly, nay freakishly, hot. The most awe-inspiring, beautiful creatures ever to roam the earth. Or Purgatory. Seattle. Whatever. The point is that the casting directors seemed to miss that part of the story, even though The Hotness was mentioned every other sentence for approximately 1800 pages.

*Sigh.*

On the bright side, I'm one day closer to satisfying my Harry Potter-philia.

Twilight: Neither Fun Nor Sexy

2008-11-20T09:01:00.006-06:00

A note to all the rabid Twilight fans reading this blog (and I'm sure there are MANY of you): I don't want to hear it.

First, a revelation: I love Harry Potter.

That's why, in part, I decided to read Twilight a few months ago. Entertainment Weekly had been calling this book series the "new Harry Potter," and I love Harry Potter so I'd probably love Twilight. And I figured if this Twilight business was going to invade my EW every week, I might as well know what it's about (kind of why I watched The Hills that one regrettable time). Plus, I am a huuuuge sucker for teen romance and angst. I guess I'm still dealing with high school some ten odd years later.

Ergo I bought the tome and I took it with me on vacation. I must say, I really got into the first third or so of the book. Stephanie Meyer is by no means even a decent writer, but the story and the setting captivated me somewhat. That is until clumsy girl and the vampire start to acknowledge that they like each other. Then Twilight devolves into the most banal story line with the most inane dialogue. (But I am going to see the movie, of course)

SPOILER ALERT: Here is a re-imagined sample scene from "Twilight" or "Quick and Moody Vampires in the Rain" to help get you through the day before Twilight: The Movie bows at midnight:

INT: BELLA'S HOUSE - DAY

Bella: What's the matter, Edward?

Edward: I'm tortured, Bella, by your scent and your...BEING.

Bella: Likewise.

Edward: But, OH! You should be ever so afraid of me. After all, I kinda sorta wanna eat you.

Bella: That's cool. I'm pretty sure you won't eat me.

Edward: But I WANT to suck your blood. You smell like a meal of the finest prime rib and lobster followed up with my favorite German chocolate cake.

Bella: Right. You've mentioned that. But I'm not scared. You're not going to eat me.

Edward: Well, now you're just being difficult. Why, pray tell, won't I eat you.

Bella: It's a secret.

Edward: Not another secret. Tell me. You owe me one secret.

Bella: I most certainly do not. Remember last chapter when I told you that thing about my mom?

Edward: Yeah...?

Bella: OK, well, that was my secret. So it's your turn. You tell me a secret, and I'll tell you yet another secret.

Edward: Can we walk into a dark thicket first?

Bella: Of course.

EXT: DARK THICKET - MOMENTS LATER

Edward carries Bella into a dark thicket because she's very clumsy and will trip over everything (because she's REAL).

Bella: Well, buddy, we're in a thicket. Secret up.

Edward: Um...Did you know that I glow in the dark?

Bella: No. That is brand new information.

Edward: So, tell me your secret.

Bella: What is it you wanted to know again?

Edward: I'm...not...sure...

Edward spends the next ten minutes nuzzling his face up to Bella's neck while Bella swoons.

Edward: Oh, yeah. That's right. Why is it that you are currently not afraid of me and believe that I will not eat you.

Bella: Duh, jackass. This is only book one.

Repeat scene as needed.

Retarded News of the Day - Suri Cruise is H-O-T

2008-11-19T16:52:00.002-06:00

Not "hot" as in sexy, stolen, or spicy, but "hot" as in of the moment. And, well, I don't know what else because for Shiva's sake, she's a toddler.

By the way, Sam Sheen? Sam FREAKING Sheen? Violet Affleck was totally robbed.

Get the full Jolie-Pitt stacked list here.

TV Fashion: Gossip Girl, Redux

2008-11-19T13:36:00.001-06:00

I knew they would. Go Fug Yourself has a MUCH better picture of Serena's Thanksgiving non-dress. Go there.

John King Will Kill Us All

2008-11-19T13:02:00.003-06:00

Maybe because I was a huge CCN junkie during the election and because I have a sort of weird fascination with John King (totally asexual. I save my wonky crushes for Anderson Cooper and Campbell Brown), I found this Daily Show segment to be an absolute joy. It's not that far-fetched either. John King has shown us that he has the ability to track down any of his embedded reporters at any time (even if he doesn't have the ability to conjure up ways for McCain to win the electoral vote. I cannot find video evidence of this, but he spent about five minutes at his magic map trying to find any possible scenario that would guarantee victory for McCain. He stymied at California. He could not in good conscience even PRETEND that MAYBE McCain could win that state. King is nothing if not principled). Anywhoodle, all of the correspondents wear a microchip of some kind and pop up like magic on the magic map. He can tell you in which exact bar Candy Crowley is trolling for hook-ups after hours. This is valuable information. At the biggest disadvantage? His wife Dana Bash, who followed the McCain campaign around for the past million months. "Dana, why were you in room 218 of the hotel at 2:24 AM on October the 21st when you were supposed to be in room 216?"

I also loved this segment because it reminded me of the fabulous mock movie preview my husband (et. al.) made for his firm's 25th anniversary party. You can view said video here.

TV Fashion: Gossip Girl

2008-11-18T14:22:00.004-06:00

Looks like they'll be serving fishnet-wrapped ooter-cay along side the turkey at the Bass family Thanksgiving this year.

Pre-Thanksgiving Holiday Music: A Real Turkey

2008-11-18T09:00:00.013-06:00

I love Christmas as much as the next guy. Probably more. I would prefer, however, to abstain from merry making until 12:01 the day AFTER Thanksgiving, thank you very much.

It is for this reason that I am feeling neither fun NOR sexy today, as this is the day my local radio stations have chosen to begin their annual all-Christmas, all-the-time, shove-the-holidays-down-my-throat music campaign. The real problem with this experiment in pre-Noel super saturation is that there isn't enough GOOD Christmas music to sustain it. I'm fine with some Bing, a splash of Nat King Cole and, of course, everyone's guilty pleasure, The Carpenters. Even The Waitresses and their Christmas Wrapping (both fun AND sexy) are OK by me.

It's when stuff like THIS happens, that I start to come unraveled:

Honestly. Why is this necessary? LOVED Kristin Chenoweth on The West Wing. Think she's great on Pushing Daisies. But a Christmas album?? In her defense, I haven't listened to it, but my instincts are telling me to run away, and run quickly.

And it isn't just actors who've amped up the hurl factor. Even people like the uber-cool Dean Martin (et tu, Deano?) who, on this very morning, sang to me, not about Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer, but of Rudy, the red-beaked reindeer, whom Santa apparently asked, "mit your nose so bright, won't you guide mein sleigh tonight?" have sadly let me down. I don't need my Christmas songs translated by Sergeant Schultz.

PEOPLE. A Christmas album does not a career make!

The worst offenders are (and I'm sure there are those who actually like these) things like Christmas Eve in Washington (didn't you know our Nation's Capitol was *the* place to spend the Holidays?) or the granddaddy of them all, the song that makes me throw up in my mouth just a little bit every time I hear it: The Christmas Shoes. This is a song whose mere existence, I'm pretty sure, is one of the signs of the Apocalypse.

Thanksgiving is still over a week away. I want to think about turkey. About cranberries, stuffing and football (not necessarily in that order). I don't need to be thrown off kilter by the likes of New Kids On The Block singing of their Funky, Funky Christmas. Which is, doubtless, funky. Just not in the way they want it to be.

I Watch "The View" So You Don't Have To

2008-11-17T15:33:00.004-06:00

The View is one of the most entertaining shows on television right now. Today, Barbara opened up about her seven year relationship with living corpse Alan Greenspan. And The Powers That Be tried to soften Elisabeth's Blonde Republican Harpy image by forcing her to talk about shopping for discount home goods with her unwilling husband. But the biggest WTF moment came at the beginning of the show where Whoopi tried to channel Rosie Perez. You can see it here.

The Only Semi-Worthwhile SNL Sketch from 11/15

2008-11-17T08:48:00.002-06:00

I'm not a Justin Timblerlake fan, but the rest of the lackluster episode (sorry, Paul Rudd) made this one stand out.

It's A Fun, Sexy Time, Charlie Brown!

2008-11-14T13:35:00.006-06:00

While my sister in arms, Jules, seems to have the ability to cast herself into the future, where such gems as Lost, 24 (or, as I like to call it: Jack Bauer Is Having the Worst Freakin' Week In History) and American Idol: the Search for America's Next Daughtry, glimmer in the distance, I am readying myself for a fun, sexy Thanksgiving.

Before I settle in to watch David Archuleta lip synch schmaltzy pop tuneage at the saccharine fest that will be the 82nd Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, before I stuff myself full of delicious carbo goodness, before Al Roker tells me what's going on in my neck of the woods, however, it's probably best that I introduce myself (and I curse Julie for dropping the Austin Powers quote before I had the chance. And she calls herself my friend.)

In my former life, I was a PR wiz, able to make troglodytes, such as corporate attorneys -- even TAX attorneys -- sound like angels from on high. Really. It's true. In 2002, however, I threw off the shackles of corporate life and dove headlong into motherhood and life as a domestic goddess (ok, FINE ... maybe just a demi-goddess). Now, I spend my days teaching my children right from wrong, as well as some righteous dance moves, indoctrinating them into the cult of change, all the while trying to become the Giada DeLaurentiis of West By-God Virginia.

As Jules mentioned, we lack a clear vision for this project, so please indulge our initial all-over-the-placed-ness. While we're searching for our direction, I'll be addressing such pressing matters as how Snoopy knows how to use a toaster (I mean, really, he has no opposable thumbs), the miracle of inflatable holiday lawn decorations, not to mention the matter of why, in the name of all that is right and holy, we are subjected to The Christmas Shoes year after year after achingly cheesy year.

So, join us, my cynical friends. Comment here and there. Click things. Enjoy. Help us ... umm ... help us.

Welcome to Your Most Fun and Sexy Time

2008-11-14T11:04:00.006-06:00

The election is over. The holidays are coming. The premieres of American Idol, Lost, and 24 loom around the corner. It is, my friends, such and incredibly fun, sexy time for you.

I wanted to take a moment to allow myself to introduce...myself. I'm Julie. I used to teach extremely high-level Latin (semper ubi sub ubi) to second graders, but now I teach my infant how to blow raspberries while we watch The View. If he grows up to wear pirate themed shirts while spouting off information he heard on Hannity and Colmes or printed off from The Drudge Report, I have only myself to blame.

This blog is an indulgence of sorts for Melissa and me. It's an outlet for our pent up rage/creativity. Right now we are lacking a clear vision for the blog, and just plan on spewing forth our knowledge and ruminations on various topics (TV, movies, celebs, politics, food, stuff, foodstuffs). It's basically GOOP for po' folks.

Enjoy, and feel free to leave any Arrested Development quotes in the comments section for giggles.