There Are Many Things I Am Thankful For

Melissa is thankful. Thankful, first of all, that I live in a country in which I can not only refer to myself in the third person, but also one in which we have a holiday whose sole purpose is to celebrate food. Yeah, there's that whole family and giving thanks for the people we love thing, but mostly, it's about the chow.

Aside from turkey, stuffing, cranberries and, of course, pie, there are a few other things for which I am truly, truly thankful this year, not the least of which are blue poinsettias. I love that the marketeers are bringing that natural feel back to ye olde holiday season.


Mostly, though, I am thankful for this:

The Treadmobile. This thing is a testament to the sheer power of capitalism. Where else but the good ol' US of A could you find a machine that combines the magic of running with the great outdoors? That's right! Now, you too can run OUTSIDE! Who would have thought such a thing was possible? Simply take your treadmobile out of the garage, hop aboard and start yourself a'runnin. I mean, you can't turn or anything, so this is really only a viable option for those of us who live on straightaways. If you live on a cul de sac, I guess it really sucks to be you. And here I've been stationary for all these years. My life is forever changed.)


Here's to the hope that your Thanksgiving is not just fun and sexy, but also filled with, you know ... love ... and joy and family and stuff.

Julie's Favorite Things, Part I

Today was Oprah's Favorite Things episode, the most anticipated TV episode in all the land. But it was a total cop out this year. MAKE gifts?! Say nice THINGS about people?! This isn't fairy land, Oprah. Give us the good stuff.

In order to satiate your need to be told what to buy, I have compiled a list of my favorite things this year. It's a more modest list than Oprah's normal favorite things, and you get nothing free from my list, but I hope you enjoy it and/or anonymously judge me from the comment box. Feel free to post your favorite things below. It's Black Friday Almost Eve and we need to stimulate this economy! Sexy.

Food Related Products
Dining Deal: Morton's 30th Anniversary Special. John and I have partaken in this special event, and it is worth every penny and every ounce of every pound. Make sure you skip the Key Lime Pie in favor of the Hot Chocolate Cake. Also, I can't find a link to it, but there is a fabulous drink on the menu that is much like a non minty mojito. Drink it.

Snack: Fiber One Oats and Caramel Bars. Nom nom nom. I'm pretty much a fan of anything Fiber One. It makes me feel like I'm almost eating something healthy, and I like that.

Clothing
I haven't bought much this year that wasn't maternity-related because I'm still trying to fit comfortably back into my old clothes (thanks, baby!). Alas, I bought myself a pair of these pants from L.L. Bean that are cheap, elastic, and can be pretend "dress up" pants. No one...will know. Except that I just told them.

Toiletries
I love this soap because it smells like Pez candy. What's more special than that?

And if you're fruity like me, you'll love this fruity Avojuice hand lotion (though they've discontinued my favorite grape flavor).

I adore the rosy scent of Stella McCartney's perfume (maybe it reminds me of my Rose Petal doll from back in the day, so what?). It's also natural and organic. Made from the bones of Chilean children or something.

I'll be back with more later. You've been warned.

What a Fun, Sexy Thanksgiving for You

Via her Goop newsletter, Gwyneth Paltrow orders, nay COMMANDS, you do this for Thanksgiving:

Mostly, make sure that no matter what type of meal you are having, you take a moment to think about how much you do have (health, love, friendship, passion, perspective, appreciation, intellect, reason, kindness) and reflect on how you can share more of it with others.

I'm a little less holier-than-thou. Here are 5 shallow things to be thankful for this holiday weekend.

1. TV Comedies. I have trouble getting it up for any of the hour long dramas this year. Maybe it's because of the dire straits of the actual world we live in, or because IZZY is freaking having SEX with GHOSTS, I'm not sure. However, many of the half-hour sitcoms are entertaining me to the hilt. These shows include the underrated Big Bang Theory and New Adventures of Old Christine, the underwatched How I Met Your Mother and 30 Rock, and the beloved The Office. I would go so far as to say that the Monday night tandem of BBT and HIMYM is starting to rival the Thursday night line-up in terms of what TV I look forward to each week.

2. Jesse White, Illinois Secretary of State. I know this won't apply to most of you reading this blog, but I am very thankful for this man and all he has done to make going to the DMV an exceedingly pleasant experience. After renewing my driver's license in under fifteen minutes yesterday, I have come to realize that this man is a miracle worker. I might just go hang out at the Elston Avenue location for shits and giggles sometime.

3. Red Wine. Oprah and Dr. Oz have decided to prescribe alcohol, any alcohol, as the greatest assistant to longevity. Red wine gets a bigger nod because of its antioxidants. Drink and be merry!

4. My car. No, it's not an environmentally responsible hybrid or electric car (though it does not get BAD gas milage, and I no longer have a commute), but it is American, so I've go that going for me. It's also so tricked out, I won't mind living in it when we get evicted from our house someday.

5. The entertainment value of The View. Even though the election is over, Elisabeth can still apply her Hannity-approved logic to such topics as gay marriage (What the devil will this teach our children about what marriage is supposed to be?) and pre-marital sex. And Sherri just sits there, not quite grasping it all, waiting for Whoopi to let her talk about Dancing With the Stars.

Oh, and I'm also thankful for my family and friends and blah blah blah, you know the deal.

Fun, Sexy SNL Skit, Part the First

Happy Monday, Timers!

Next time the Saturday Night Live Powers That Be consider inviting Tim McGraw to host, they should immediately pass up his name in their Rolodex in favor of T-Pain and Ludacris.  Here is one of the two good sketches from the Thanksgiving episode.

WAFSTFY: We're ESFP - The Performers

According to the "Typealyzer," we here at What a Fun, Sexy Time for You are performers. According to the site:

The entertaining and friendly type. They are especially attuned to pleasure and beauty and like to fill their surroundings with soft fabrics, bright colors and sweet smells. They live in the present moment and don´t like to plan ahead - they are always in risk of exhausting themselves.

The enjoy work that makes them able to help other people in a concrete and visible way. They tend to avoid conflicts and rarely initiate confrontation - qualities that can make it hard for them in management positions.

Sounds about right.

I Am A Harry Potter Geek, Which Is Fun ... Possibly Sexy

Like Julie, I wear my "I HEART Harry Potter" button with pride. TODAY is the day that Harry Potter & The Half-Blood Prince was to be released in all of its British awesomeness. But that isn't happening because some addle-brained marketing genius decided it would be prudent to wait until Summer. I'm only just slightly bitter about it.

What do I get to do instead?

I get to see Twilight! And I even get to see the midnight showing! With fifteen year olds! Who's jealous?

Tonight, while you all are blissfully drifting off to sleep or enjoying the witty repartee between Jon Stewart and his guest du jour, I will be awash in the desperate lust of clammy vampires, and its even clammier, not-to-mention comically clumsy Seattle-adjacent-dwelling heroine.

Visually, this movie had potential to be ... pleasing, at least, as the aforementioned vamps are purported to be scorchingly, nay freakishly, hot. The most awe-inspiring, beautiful creatures ever to roam the earth. Or Purgatory. Seattle. Whatever. The point is that the casting directors seemed to miss that part of the story, even though The Hotness was mentioned every other sentence for approximately 1800 pages.

*Sigh.*

On the bright side, I'm one day closer to satisfying my Harry Potter-philia.

Twilight: Neither Fun Nor Sexy

A note to all the rabid Twilight fans reading this blog (and I'm sure there are MANY of you): I don't want to hear it.

First, a revelation: I love Harry Potter.

That's why, in part, I decided to read Twilight a few months ago. Entertainment Weekly had been calling this book series the "new Harry Potter," and I love Harry Potter so I'd probably love Twilight. And I figured if this Twilight business was going to invade my EW every week, I might as well know what it's about (kind of why I watched The Hills that one regrettable time). Plus, I am a huuuuge sucker for teen romance and angst. I guess I'm still dealing with high school some ten odd years later.

Ergo I bought the tome and I took it with me on vacation. I must say, I really got into the first third or so of the book. Stephanie Meyer is by no means even a decent writer, but the story and the setting captivated me somewhat. That is until clumsy girl and the vampire start to acknowledge that they like each other. Then Twilight devolves into the most banal story line with the most inane dialogue. (But I am going to see the movie, of course)

SPOILER ALERT: Here is a re-imagined sample scene from "Twilight" or "Quick and Moody Vampires in the Rain" to help get you through the day before Twilight: The Movie bows at midnight:

INT: BELLA'S HOUSE - DAY

Bella: What's the matter, Edward?

Edward: I'm tortured, Bella, by your scent and your...BEING.

Bella: Likewise.

Edward: But, OH! You should be ever so afraid of me. After all, I kinda sorta wanna eat you.

Bella: That's cool. I'm pretty sure you won't eat me.

Edward: But I WANT to suck your blood. You smell like a meal of the finest prime rib and lobster followed up with my favorite German chocolate cake.

Bella: Right. You've mentioned that. But I'm not scared. You're not going to eat me.

Edward: Well, now you're just being difficult. Why, pray tell, won't I eat you.

Bella: It's a secret.

Edward: Not another secret. Tell me. You owe me one secret.

Bella: I most certainly do not. Remember last chapter when I told you that thing about my mom?

Edward: Yeah...?

Bella: OK, well, that was my secret. So it's your turn. You tell me a secret, and I'll tell you yet another secret.

Edward: Can we walk into a dark thicket first?

Bella: Of course.

EXT: DARK THICKET - MOMENTS LATER

Edward carries Bella into a dark thicket because she's very clumsy and will trip over everything (because she's REAL).

Bella: Well, buddy, we're in a thicket. Secret up.

Edward: Um...Did you know that I glow in the dark?

Bella: No. That is brand new information.

Edward: So, tell me your secret.

Bella: What is it you wanted to know again?

Edward: I'm...not...sure...

Edward spends the next ten minutes nuzzling his face up to Bella's neck while Bella swoons.

Edward: Oh, yeah. That's right. Why is it that you are currently not afraid of me and believe that I will not eat you.

Bella: Duh, jackass. This is only book one.

Repeat scene as needed.

Retarded News of the Day - Suri Cruise is H-O-T

Not "hot" as in sexy, stolen, or spicy, but "hot" as in of the moment. And, well, I don't know what else because for Shiva's sake, she's a toddler.

By the way, Sam Sheen? Sam FREAKING Sheen? Violet Affleck was totally robbed.

Get the full Jolie-Pitt stacked list here.

TV Fashion: Gossip Girl, Redux

I knew they would. Go Fug Yourself has a MUCH better picture of Serena's Thanksgiving non-dress. Go there.

John King Will Kill Us All

Maybe because I was a huge CCN junkie during the election and because I have a sort of weird fascination with John King (totally asexual. I save my wonky crushes for Anderson Cooper and Campbell Brown), I found this Daily Show segment to be an absolute joy. It's not that far-fetched either. John King has shown us that he has the ability to track down any of his embedded reporters at any time (even if he doesn't have the ability to conjure up ways for McCain to win the electoral vote. I cannot find video evidence of this, but he spent about five minutes at his magic map trying to find any possible scenario that would guarantee victory for McCain. He stymied at California. He could not in good conscience even PRETEND that MAYBE McCain could win that state. King is nothing if not principled). Anywhoodle, all of the correspondents wear a microchip of some kind and pop up like magic on the magic map. He can tell you in which exact bar Candy Crowley is trolling for hook-ups after hours. This is valuable information. At the biggest disadvantage? His wife Dana Bash, who followed the McCain campaign around for the past million months. "Dana, why were you in room 218 of the hotel at 2:24 AM on October the 21st when you were supposed to be in room 216?"

I also loved this segment because it reminded me of the fabulous mock movie preview my husband (et. al.) made for his firm's 25th anniversary party. You can view said video here.

TV Fashion: Gossip Girl

Looks like they'll be serving fishnet-wrapped ooter-cay along side the turkey at the Bass family Thanksgiving this year.

Pre-Thanksgiving Holiday Music: A Real Turkey

I love Christmas as much as the next guy. Probably more. I would prefer, however, to abstain from merry making until 12:01 the day AFTER Thanksgiving, thank you very much.

It is for this reason that I am feeling neither fun NOR sexy today, as this is the day my local radio stations have chosen to begin their annual all-Christmas, all-the-time, shove-the-holidays-down-my-throat music campaign. The real problem with this experiment in pre-Noel super saturation is that there isn't enough GOOD Christmas music to sustain it. I'm fine with some Bing, a splash of Nat King Cole and, of course, everyone's guilty pleasure, The Carpenters. Even The Waitresses and their Christmas Wrapping (both fun AND sexy) are OK by me.

It's when stuff like THIS happens, that I start to come unraveled:

Honestly. Why is this necessary? LOVED Kristin Chenoweth on The West Wing. Think she's great on Pushing Daisies. But a Christmas album?? In her defense, I haven't listened to it, but my instincts are telling me to run away, and run quickly.

And it isn't just actors who've amped up the hurl factor. Even people like the uber-cool Dean Martin (et tu, Deano?) who, on this very morning, sang to me, not about Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer, but of Rudy, the red-beaked reindeer, whom Santa apparently asked, "mit your nose so bright, won't you guide mein sleigh tonight?" have sadly let me down. I don't need my Christmas songs translated by Sergeant Schultz.

PEOPLE. A Christmas album does not a career make!

The worst offenders are (and I'm sure there are those who actually like these) things like Christmas Eve in Washington (didn't you know our Nation's Capitol was *the* place to spend the Holidays?) or the granddaddy of them all, the song that makes me throw up in my mouth just a little bit every time I hear it: The Christmas Shoes. This is a song whose mere existence, I'm pretty sure, is one of the signs of the Apocalypse.

Thanksgiving is still over a week away. I want to think about turkey. About cranberries, stuffing and football (not necessarily in that order). I don't need to be thrown off kilter by the likes of New Kids On The Block singing of their Funky, Funky Christmas. Which is, doubtless, funky. Just not in the way they want it to be.

I Watch "The View" So You Don't Have To

The View is one of the most entertaining shows on television right now. Today, Barbara opened up about her seven year relationship with living corpse Alan Greenspan. And The Powers That Be tried to soften Elisabeth's Blonde Republican Harpy image by forcing her to talk about shopping for discount home goods with her unwilling husband. But the biggest WTF moment came at the beginning of the show where Whoopi tried to channel Rosie Perez. You can see it here.

The Only Semi-Worthwhile SNL Sketch from 11/15

I'm not a Justin Timblerlake fan, but the rest of the lackluster episode (sorry, Paul Rudd) made this one stand out.

It's A Fun, Sexy Time, Charlie Brown!

While my sister in arms, Jules, seems to have the ability to cast herself into the future, where such gems as Lost, 24 (or, as I like to call it: Jack Bauer Is Having the Worst Freakin' Week In History) and American Idol: the Search for America's Next Daughtry, glimmer in the distance, I am readying myself for a fun, sexy Thanksgiving.

Before I settle in to watch David Archuleta lip synch schmaltzy pop tuneage at the saccharine fest that will be the 82nd Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, before I stuff myself full of delicious carbo goodness, before Al Roker tells me what's going on in my neck of the woods, however, it's probably best that I introduce myself (and I curse Julie for dropping the Austin Powers quote before I had the chance. And she calls herself my friend.)

In my former life, I was a PR wiz, able to make troglodytes, such as corporate attorneys -- even TAX attorneys -- sound like angels from on high. Really. It's true. In 2002, however, I threw off the shackles of corporate life and dove headlong into motherhood and life as a domestic goddess (ok, FINE ... maybe just a demi-goddess). Now, I spend my days teaching my children right from wrong, as well as some righteous dance moves, indoctrinating them into the cult of change, all the while trying to become the Giada DeLaurentiis of West By-God Virginia.

As Jules mentioned, we lack a clear vision for this project, so please indulge our initial all-over-the-placed-ness. While we're searching for our direction, I'll be addressing such pressing matters as how Snoopy knows how to use a toaster (I mean, really, he has no opposable thumbs), the miracle of inflatable holiday lawn decorations, not to mention the matter of why, in the name of all that is right and holy, we are subjected to The Christmas Shoes year after year after achingly cheesy year.

So, join us, my cynical friends. Comment here and there. Click things. Enjoy. Help us ... umm ... help us.

Welcome to Your Most Fun and Sexy Time

The election is over.  The holidays are coming.  The premieres of American Idol, Lost, and 24 loom around the corner.  It is, my friends, such and incredibly fun, sexy time for you.

I wanted to take a moment to allow myself to introduce...myself.  I'm Julie.  I used to teach extremely high-level Latin (semper ubi sub ubi) to second graders, but now I teach my infant how to blow raspberries while we watch The View.  If he grows up to wear pirate themed shirts while spouting off information he heard on Hannity and Colmes or printed off from The Drudge Report, I have only myself to blame.

This blog is an indulgence of sorts for Melissa and me.  It's an outlet for our pent up rage/creativity.  Right now we are lacking a clear vision for the blog, and just plan on spewing forth our knowledge and ruminations on various topics (TV, movies, celebs, politics, food, stuff, foodstuffs).  It's basically GOOP for po' folks.

Enjoy, and feel free to leave any Arrested Development quotes in the comments section for giggles.